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Excerpts from the
DIARY of Saint Faustina Kowalska
40
+The year 1929. Once during Holy Mass, I felt in a very special way the
closeness of God, although I tried to turn away and escape from Him. On
several occasions I have run away from God because I did not want to be a
victim of the evil spirit; since others have told me, more than once, that
such is the case. And this incertitude lasted for quite some time. During
Holy Mass, before Communion, we had the renewal of vows. When we had left
our kneelers and had started to recite the formula for the vows, Jesus
appeared suddenly at my side clad in a white garment with a golden girdle
around His waist, and He said to me, I give you eternal love that your
purity may be untarnished and as a sign that you will never be subject to
temptations against purity. Jesus took off His golden cincture and tied
it around my waist.
Darkness
and Temptations
77 My mind became dimmed in a strange way; no truth seemed clear to me.
When people spoke to me about God, my heart was like a rock. I could not
draw from it a single sentiment of love for Him. When I tried, by an act of
the will, to remain close to Him, I experienced great torments, and it
seemed to me that I was only provoking God to an even greater anger. It was
absolutely impossible for me to meditate as I had been accustomed to do in
the past. I felt in my soul a great void, and there was nothing with which
I could fill it. I began to suffer from a great hunger and yearning for
God, but I saw my utter powerlessness. I tried to read slowly, sentence by
sentence, and to meditate in this way, but this also was of no avail. I
understood nothing of what I had read.
The abyss of my misery was constantly before my eyes. Every time I entered
the chapel for some spiritual exercise, I experienced even worse torments
and temptations. More than once, all through Holy Mass, I had to struggle
against blasphemous thoughts which were forcing themselves to my lips. I
felt an aversion for the Holy Sacraments, and it seemed to me that I was
not profiting from them in any way. It was only out of obedience to my
confessor that I frequented them, and this blind obedience was for me the
only path I could follow and my very last hope of survival. The priest
explained to me that these were trials sent by God and that, in the
situation I was in, not only was I not offending God, but I was most
pleasing to Him. "This is a sign," he told me, "that God
loves you very much and that He has great confidence in you, since He is
sending you such trials." But these words brought me no comfort; it
seemed to me that they did not apply to me at all.
One thing did surprise me: it often happened that, at the time when I was
suffering greatly, these terrible torments would disappear suddenly just as
I was approaching the confessional; but as soon as I had left the
confessional, all these torments would again seize me with even greater
ferocity. I would then fall on my face before the Blessed Sacrament
repeating these words: "Even if You kill me, still will I trust in
You!" [cf. Job 13:15] It seemed to me that I would die in these agonies.
But the most terrible thought for me was the conviction that I had been
rejected by God. Then other thoughts came to me: why strive to acquire
virtues and do good works? why mortify and annihilate yourself? what good
is it to take vows? to pray? to sacrifice and immolate yourself? why
sacrifice myself all the time? what good is it - if I am already rejected
by God? why all these efforts? And here, God alone knew what was going on
in my heart.
96 +Trials sent by God to a soul
which is particularly loved by Him.
Temptations and darkness; Satan. The soul's love [for God] is still not
such as God would have it. The soul suddenly loses the tangible perception
of God's presence. Various defects and imperfections rise up within it, and
it must fight them furiously. All her faults lift up their heads, but the
soul's vigilance is great. The former awareness of the presence of God
gives place to coldness and spiritual dryness; the soul has no taste for
spiritual exercises; it cannot pray, either in the old way, or in the
manner in which it had just begun to pray. It struggles this way and that,
but can find no satisfaction. God has hidden himself from it, and it can
find no consolation in creatures, nor can any of these creatures find a way
of consoling it. The soul craves passionately for God, but sees its own
misery; it begins to sense God's justice; it seems to it that it has lost
all the gifts that God had given it; its mind is dimmed, and darkness fills
it; unspeakable torment begins. The soul tries to explain its state to the
confessor, but it is not understood and is assailed by an even greater
unrest. Satan begins his work.
97 Faith staggers under the impact; the struggle is fierce. The
soul tries hard to cling to God by an act of will. With God's permission,
Satan goes even further: hope and love are put to the test. These
temptations are terrible. God supports the soul in secret, so to speak. The
soul is not aware of this, but otherwise it would be impossible to stand
firm; and God knows very well how much He can allow to befall a soul. The
soul is tempted to unbelief in respect to revealed truths and to
insincerity toward the confessor. Satan says to it, "Look, no one
understands you; why speak about all this?" Words that terrify it
sound in its ears, and it seems to the soul that it is uttering these
against God. It sees what it does not want to see. It hears what it does
not want to hear. And, oh, it is a terrible thing at times like these not
to have an experienced confessor! The soul carries the whole burden alone.
However, one should make every effort to find, if it is at all possible, a
well-informed confessor, for the soul can collapse under the burden and
come to the very edge of the precipice. All these trials are heavy and
difficult. God does not send them to a soul which has not already been
admitted to a deeper intimacy with Him and which has not yet tasted the
divine delights. Besides, in this God has His own plans, which for us are
impenetrable. God often prepares a soul in this way for His future designs
and great works. He wants to try it as pure gold is tried. But this is not
yet the end of the testing; there is still the trial of trials, the
complete abandonment of the soul by God.
+ The Trial of Trials, Complete Abandonment - Despair
98 When the soul comes out victorious from the preceding trials, even
though it may stumble here and there, it fights on valiantly, humbly
calling upon God, "Save me, I am perishing!" And it is still able
to fight on.
At this point, however, the soul is engulfed in a horrible night. It sees
within itself only sin. It feels terrible. It sees itself completely
abandoned by God. It feels itself to be the object of His hatred. It is but
one step away from despair. The soul does its best to defend itself; it tries
to stir up its confidence; but prayer is an even greater torment for it, as
this prayer seems to arouse God to an even greater anger. The soul finds
itself poised on the summit of a lofty mountain on the very brink of a
precipice.
The soul is drawn to God, but feels repulsed. All other sufferings and
tortures in the world are as nothing compared with this sensation into
which it has been plunged; namely, that of being rejected by God. No one
can bring it any relief; it finds itself completely alone; there is no one
to defend it. It raises its eyes to heaven, but is convinced that this is
not for her-for her all is lost. It falls deeper and deeper from darkness
to darkness, and it seems to it that it has lost forever the God it used to
love so dearly. This thought is torture beyond all description. But the
soul does not agree to it and tries to lift its gaze toward heaven, but in
vain! And this makes the torture even more intense.
If God wishes to keep the soul in such darkness, no one will be able to give
it light. It experiences rejection by God in a vivid and terrifying manner.
From its heart burst forth painful moans, so painful that no priest will
comprehend it, unless he himself has been through these trials. In the
midst of this, the evil spirit adds to the soul's suffering, mocking it:
"Will you persist in your faithfulness? This is your reward; you are
in our power!" But Satan has only as much influence over the soul as
God allows him, and God knows how much we can bear. "What have you
gotten out of your mortifications," says Satan, "and out of your
fidelity to the rule? What use are all these efforts? You have been rejected
by God!" This word, rejected, becomes a fire which penetrates every
nerve to the marrow of the bone. It pierces right through her entire being.
The ordeal reaches its climax. The soul no longer looks for help anywhere.
It shrinks into itself and loses sight of everything; it is as though it
has accepted the torture of being abandoned. This is a moment for which I
have no words. This is the agony of the soul.
101
Jesus, You alone know how the soul, engulfed in darkness, moans in the
midst of these torments and, despite all this, thirsts for God as burning
lips thirst for water. It dies and withers; it dies a death without death;
that is to say, it cannot die. All its efforts come to nothing; it is under
a powerful hand. Now the soul comes under the power of the Just One. All
exterior temptations cease; all that surrounds it becomes silent, like a
dying person who loses contact with everything around it: the person's
entire soul is in the hand of the Just God, the Thrice-Holy God,-rejected
for all eternity! This is the culminating moment, and God alone can test a
soul in this way, because He alone knows what the soul can endure.
When the soul has been saturated through and through by this infernal fire,
it is, as it were, cast headlong into great despair. My soul experienced
this moment when I was all alone in my cell. When my soul began to sink
into this despair, I felt that the end was near. But I seized my little
crucifix and clutched it tightly in my hand. And now I felt my body
separate itself from my soul; and though I wanted to go to my Superiors, I
no longer had the physical strength. I uttered my last words: "I trust
in Your Mercy!"-and it seemed to me that I provoked God to an even
greater anger. And now I was drowned in despair, and all that was left me
was a moan of unadulterated pain which, from time to time, tore itself from
my soul. The soul is in agony-and it seemed to me that I would remain in
this state, because by my own strength I could not emerge from it. Every
recollection of God opened up an unspeakable ocean of suffering, and yet
despite this there is something within the soul which is drawn to Him,
though it seems to her for this only-that she suffer more. The memory of
the love with which God formerly surrounded it is still another kind of
suffering. His gaze pierces it, and everything within the soul is burned by
this gaze.
147 I recall that I have received most light during adoration which
I made lying prostrate before the Blessed Sacrament for half an hour every
day throughout Lent. During that time I came to know myself and God more
profoundly. And yet, even though I had the superiors' permission to do so,
I encountered many obstacles to praying in such a way. Let the soul be
aware that, in order to pray and persevere in prayer, one must arm oneself
with patience and cope bravely with exterior and interior difficulties. The
interior difficulties are discouragement, dryness, heaviness of spirit and
temptations. The exterior difficulties are human respect and time; one must
observe the time set apart for prayer. This has been my personal experience
because, when I did not pray at the time assigned for prayer, later on I
could not do it because of my duties; or if I did manage to do so, this was
only with great difficulty, because my thoughts kept wandering off to my
duties. I also experienced this difficulty: when a soul has prayed well and
left prayer in a state of profound interior recollection, others resist its
recollection; and so, the soul must be patient to persevere in prayer. It
often happened to me that when my soul was more deeply immersed in God, and
I had derived greater fruit from prayer, and God's presence accompanied me
during the day, and at work there was more recollection and greater
precision and effort at my duty, this was precisely when I received the
most rebukes for being negligent in my duty and indifferent to everything;
because less recollected souls want others to be like them, for they are a
constant [source of] remorse to them.
173
Satan's temptations during meditation. I felt a strange fear that the
priest would not
understand
me, or that he would have no time to hear everything I would have to say.
How am I going to tell him all this? If it were Father Bukowski I could do
it more easily, but this Jesuit whom I am seeing for the first time... Then
I remembered Father Bukowski's advice that I should at least take brief
notes of the lights sent to me by God during the retreats and give him at
least a brief report on them. My God, for a day and a half all has gone
well, and now a life and death struggle is beginning. The conference is to
start in a half hour, and then I am to go to confession. Satan tried to
persuade me into believing that if my superiors have told me that my inner
life is an illusion, why should I ask again and trouble the confessor?
Didn't MX [probably Mother Jane] tell you that the Lord Jesus does not
commune with souls as miserable as yours? This confessor is going to tell
you the same thing. Why speak to him about all this? These are not sins,
and Mother X, told you that all this communing with the Lord Jesus was
daydreaming and pure hysteria. So why tell it to this confessor? You would
do better
to dismiss all this as illusions. Look how many humiliations you have
suffered because of them, and how many more are still awaiting you, and all
the sisters know that you are a hysteric. "Jesus!" I called out
with all the strength of my soul.
343
True love is measured by the thermometer of suffering. Jesus, I thank You
for the little daily crosses, for opposition to my endeavors, for the
hardships of communal life, for the misinterpretation of my intentions, for
humiliations at the hands of others, for the harsh way in which we are
treated, for false suspicions, for poor health and loss of strength, for
self-denial, for dying to myself, for lack of recognition in everything,
for the upsetting of all my plans.
Thank You, Jesus, for interior sufferings, for dryness of spirit, for
terrors, fears and incertitudes, for the darkness and the deep interior
night, for temptations and various ordeals, for torments too difficult to
describe, especially for those which no one will understand, for the hour
of death with its fierce struggle and all its bitterness.
I thank You, Jesus, You who first drank the cup of bitterness before You
gave it to me, in a much milder form. I put my lips to this cup of Your
holy will. Let all be done according to Your good pleasure; let that which
Your wisdom ordained before the ages be done to me. I want to drink the cup
to its last drop, and not seek to know the reason why. In bitterness is my
joy, in hopelessness is my trust. In You, O Lord, all is good, all is a
gift of Your paternal Heart. I do not prefer consolations over bitterness
or bitterness over consolations, but thank You, O Jesus, for everything! It
is my delight to fix my gaze upon You, O incomprehensible God! My spirit
abides in these mysterious dwelling places, and there I am at home. I know
very well the dwelling place of my Spouse. I feel there is not a single
drop of blood in me that does not burn with love for You.
O Uncreated Beauty, whoever comes to know You once cannot love anything else.
I can feel the bottomless abyss of my soul, and nothing will fill it but
God himself. I feel that I am drowned in Him like a single grain of sand in
a bottomless ocean.
429 When I became aware of God's great
plans for me, I was frightened at their greatness and felt myself quite
incapable of fulfilling them, and I began to avoid interior conversations
with Him, filling up the time with vocal prayer. I did this out of
humility, but I soon recognized it was not true humility, but rather a
great temptation from the devil. When, on one occasion, instead of interior
prayer, I took up a book of spiritual reading, I heard these words spoken
distinctly and forcefully within my soul, You will prepare the world for My final coming.
These words moved me deeply, and although I pretended not to hear them, 1
understood them very well and had no doubt about them. Once, being tired
out from this battle of love with God, and making constant excuses on the
grounds that I was unable to carry out this task, I wanted to leave the
chapel, but some force held me back and I found myself powerless. Then I
heard these words, You
intend to leave the chapel, but you shall not get away from Me, for I am
everywhere. You cannot do anything of yourself, but with me you can do all
things.
872 January 7. During the
Holy Hour, the Lord allowed me to taste His Passion. I shared in the
bitterness of the suffering that filled His soul to overflowing. Jesus gave
me to understand how a soul should be faithful to prayer despite torments,
dryness and temptations; because oftentimes the realization of God's great
plans depends mainly on such prayer. If we do not persevere in such prayer,
we frustrate what the Lord wanted to do through us or within us. Let every
soul remember these words: "And being in anguish, He prayed
longer." I always prolong such prayer as much as is in my power and in
conformity with my duty.
1031 March 22, 1937. As I was talking, today,
to a certain person, I recognized that she was suffering greatly in spirit,
although exteriorly she pretended that she was very happy and was not
suffering at all. I felt inspired to tell her that what was troubling her
was a temptation. When I disclosed to her what was torturing her, she burst
into tears and told me that she had come to see me precisely to speak to
me, because she felt that it would bring her relief. The suffering was of
such a kind that the soul was being attracted by God's grace on the one
hand and by the world on the other. She was going through a terrible
struggle that brought her to the point of weeping like a little child. But
she went away soothed and set at peace.
1086
Although the temptations are strong, a whole wave of doubts beats against
my soul, and discouragement stands by, ready to enter into the act, the
Lord, however, strengthens my will, against which all the attempts of the
enemy are shattered as if against a rock. I see how many actual graces God
grants me; these support me ceaselessly. I am very weak, and I attribute
everything solely to the grace of God.
1488 Conversation of the
Merciful God with a Soul Striving after Perfection.
Jesus: I am pleased with your efforts, O soul aspiring for perfection,
but why do I see you so often sad and depressed? Tell Me, My child, what is
the meaning of this sadness, and what is its cause?
Soul: Lord, the reason for my sadness is that, in spite of my sincere
resolutions, I fall again into the same faults. I make resolutions in the
morning, but in the evening I see how much I have departed from them.
Jesus: You see, My child, what you are of yourself. The cause of your
falls is that you rely too much upon yourself and too little on Me. But let
this not sadden you so much. You are dealing with the God of mercy, which
your misery cannot exhaust. Remember, I did not allot only a certain number
of pardons.
Soul: Yes, I know all that, but great temptations assail me, and various
doubts awaken within me and, moreover, everything irritates and discourages
me.
Jesus: My child, know that the greatest obstacles to holiness are
discouragement and an exaggerated anxiety. These will deprive you of the
ability to practice virtue. All temptations united together ought not
disturb your interior peace, not even momentarily. Sensitiveness and
discouragement are the fruits of self-love. You should not become
discouraged, but strive to make My love reign in place of your self-love.
Have confidence, My child. Do not lose heart in coming for pardon, for I am
always ready to forgive you. As often as you beg for it, you glorify My
mercy.
Soul: I understand what is the better thing to do, what pleases You more,
but I encounter great obstacles in acting on this understanding.
Jesus: My child, life on earth is a struggle indeed; a great struggle
for My kingdom. But fear not, because you are not alone. I am always
supporting you, so lean on Me as you struggle, fearing nothing. Take the
vessel of trust and draw from the fountain of life-for yourself, but also
for other souls, especially such as are distrustful of My goodness.
Soul: O Lord, I feel my heart being filled with Your love and the rays of
Your mercy and love piercing my soul. I go, Lord, at Your command. I go to
conquer souls. Sustained by Your grace, I am ready to follow You, Lord, not
only to Tabor, but also to Calvary. I desire to lead souls to the fount of
Your mercy so that the splendor of Your mercy may be reflected in all
souls, and the home of our Father be filled to overflowing. And when the
enemy begins to attack me, I shall take refuge behind the shield of Your
mercy.
1558 February 2, [1938]. Darkness of the soul. Today is the Feast
of the Mother of God, and in my soul it is so dark. The Lord has hidden
Himself, and I am alone, all alone. My mind has become so dimmed that I see
only phantasies about me. Not a single ray of light penetrates my soul. I
do not understand myself or those who speak to me. Frightful temptations
regarding the holy faith assail me. O my Jesus, save me. I cannot say
anything more. I cannot describe these things in detail, for I fear lest
someone be scandalized on reading this. I am astounded that such torments
could befall a soul. O hurricane, what are you doing to the boat of my
heart? This storm has lasted the whole day and night.
When Mother Superior [Irene] came in to see me and asked, "Would you
like to take advantage of this occasion, Sister, since Father An. [Andrasz]
is coming to hear confessions?" I answered, no. It seemed to me that
Father would not understand me, nor would I be able to make a confession.
I spent the whole night with Jesus in Gethsemane. From my breast there
escaped one continuous moan. A natural dying will be much easier, because
then one is in agony and will die; while here, one is in agony, but cannot
die. O Jesus, I never thought such suffering could exist. Nothingness: that
is the reality. O Jesus, save me! I believe in You with all my heart. So
many times have I seen the radiance of Your face, and now, where are You,
Lord?... I believe, I believe, and again I believe in You, Triune God,
Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and in all the truths which Your holy Church
gives me to believe... But the darkness does not recede, and my spirit
plunges into even greater agony. And at that moment, such terrible torment
overwhelmed me that now I am amazed at myself that I did not breathe my
last, but this was for only a brief instant.
1560
February 3, [1938]. Today after Holy Communion, Jesus again gave me a few
directives: First, do not fight against a temptation by yourself, but
disclose it to the confessor at once, and then the temptation will lose all
its force. Second, during these ordeals do not lose your peace; live in My
presence; ask My Mother and the Saints for help. Third, have the certitude
that I am looking at you and supporting you. Fourth, do not fear either
struggles of the soul or any temptations, because I am supporting you; if
only you are willing to fight, know that the victory is always on your
side. Fifth, know that by fighting bravely you give Me great glory and
amass merits for yourself. Temptation gives you a chance to show Me your
fidelity.
1580
My Jesus, I now see that I have gone through all the stages of my life
following You: childhood, youth, vocation, apostolic work, Tabor,
Gethsemane, and now I am already with You on Calvary. I have willingly
allowed myself to be crucified, and I am indeed already crucified; although
I can still walk a little, I am stretched out on the cross, and I feel
distinctly that strength is flowing to me from Your Cross, that You and You
alone are my perseverance. Although I often hear the voice of temptation
calling to me, "Come down from the cross!" the power of God
strengthens me. Although loneliness and darkness and sufferings of all
kinds beat against my heart, the mysterious power of God supports and
strengthens me. I want to drink the cup to the last drop. I trust firmly
that Your grace, which has sustained me in the Garden of Olives, will
sustain me also now that I am on Calvary.
1715 A
strong temptation. The Lord gave me to know how pleasing a pure heart is to
Him, and thereby I was given a deeper knowledge of my own misery. When I
began to prepare for confession, strong temptations against confessors
assaulted me. I did not see Satan, but I could sense him, his terrible
anger. - "Yes, he's an ordinary man." - "Not ordinary,
because he has the power of God." - Yes, it is not difficult for me to
accuse myself of my sins. But to uncover the most secret depths of my
heart, to give an account of the action of God's grace, to speak about
God's every demand, about all that goes on between God and myself... to
tell that to a man is beyond my strength. I felt I was fighting against the
powers and I cried out: "O Christ, You and the priest are one; I will
approach confession as if I were approaching, not a man, but You." When
I entered the confessional, I began by disclosing my difficulties. The
priest replied that the best thing I could have done was to disclose these
temptations from the outset. However, after the confession, they took
flight, and my soul is enjoying peace.
Conference on
Spiritual Warfare.
1760 My daughter, I
want to teach you about spiritual warfare. Never trust in yourself, but
abandon yourself totally to My will. In desolation, darkness and various
doubts, have recourse to Me and to your spiritual director. He will always
answer you in My name. Do not bargain with any temptation; lock yourself
immediately in My Heart and, at the first opportunity, reveal the
temptation to the confessor. Put your self-love in the last place, so that
it does not taint your deeds. Bear with yourself with great patience. Do
not neglect interior mortifications. Always justify to yourself the
opinions of your superiors and of your confessor. Shun murmurers like a
plague. Let all act as they like; you are to act as I want you to.
Observe the rule as
faithfully as you can. If someone causes you trouble, think what good you
can do for the person who caused you to suffer. Do not pour out your
feelings. Be silent when you are rebuked. Do not ask everyone's opinion,
but only the opinion of your confessor; be as frank and simple as a child
with him. Do not become discouraged by ingratitude. Do not examine with
curiosity the roads down which I lead you. When boredom and discouragement
beat against your heart, run away from yourself and hide in My heart. Do
not fear struggle; courage itself often intimidates temptations, and they
dare not attack us.
Always fight with
the deep conviction that I am with you. Do not be guided by feeling,
because it is not always under your control; but all merit lies in the
will. Always depend upon your superiors, even in the smallest things. I
will not delude you with prospects of peace and consolations; on the
contrary, prepare for great battles. Know that you are now on a great stage
where all heaven and earth are watching you. Fight like a knight, so that I
can reward you. Do not be unduly fearful, because you are not alone.
1823 12. + Today,
my soul is preparing for the coming of my Savior, who is goodness and love
itself. Temptations and distractions torment me and do not let me prepare
for the coming of the Lord. Therefore I desire even more ardently to
receive You, Lord, because I know that when You come, You will rescue me
from these torments. And if it is Your will that I should suffer, well
then, fortify me for the struggle.
Jesus, Savior, who have deigned to come into my heart, drive away these
distractions which are keeping me from talking to You.
Jesus answered me, I
want you to become like a knight experienced in battle, who can give orders
to others amid the exploding shells. In the same way, My child, you should
know how to master yourself amid the greatest difficulties, and let nothing
drive you away from Me, not even your falls.
Today, I have been struggling all day long with a certain difficulty about
which You, Jesus, know...
(Diary of Sister Faustina Kowalska Notebook-I-40, 77, 96-98, 101,
147, 173, 343, 429) (Diary of Sister Faustina Kowalska Notebook-II-872, )
(Diary of Sister Faustina Kowalska Notebook-III-1031, 1086)
(Diary of Sister Faustina Kowalska Notebook-V-1488, 1558, 1560,
1580)
(Diary of Sister Faustina Kowalska Notebook-VI-1715, 1760)
(Preparation for Holy Communion-1823-1828)
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