Unexpected Company and Personal Reassessments
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Wednesday in the
Octave of Easter
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Father Robert Presutti, LC
Luke 24:13-35
That very day, the
first day of the week, two of Jesus’ disciples were going to a village seven
miles from Jerusalem called Emmaus, and they were conversing about all the
things that had occurred. And it happened that while they were conversing and
debating, Jesus himself drew near and walked with them, but their eyes were
prevented from recognizing him. He asked them, "What are you discussing
as you walk along?" They stopped, looking downcast. One of them, named
Cleopas, said to him in reply, "Are you the only visitor to Jerusalem
who does not know of the things that have taken place there in these days?"
And he replied to them, "What sort of things?" They said to him,
"The things that happened to Jesus the Nazarene, who was a prophet
mighty in deed and word before God and all the people, how our chief priests
and rulers both handed him over to a sentence of death and crucified him. But
we were hoping that he would be the one to redeem Israel; and besides all
this, it is now the third day since this took place. Some women from our
group, however, have astounded us: they were at the tomb early in the morning
and did not find his body; they came back and reported that they had indeed
seen a vision of angels who announced that he was alive. Then some of those
with us went to the tomb and found things just as the women had described,
but him they did not see." And he said to them, "Oh, how foolish
you are! How slow of heart to believe all that the prophets spoke! Was it not
necessary that the Messiah should suffer these things and enter into his
glory?" Then beginning with Moses and all the prophets, he interpreted to
them what referred to him in all the scriptures. As they approached the
village to which they were going, he gave the impression that he was going on
farther. But they urged him, "Stay with us, for it is nearly evening and
the day is almost over." So he went in to stay with them. And it
happened that, while he was with them at table, he took bread, said the
blessing, broke it, and gave it to them. With that their eyes were opened and
they recognized him, but he vanished from their sight. Then they said to each
other, "Were not our hearts burning within us while he spoke to us on
the way and opened the scriptures to us?" So they set out at once and
returned to Jerusalem where they found gathered together the Eleven and those
with them who were saying, "The Lord has truly been raised and has
appeared to Simon!" Then the two recounted what had taken place on the
way and how he was made known to them in the breaking of the bread.
Introductory Prayer: Lord, You are the source of all life because You are life
itself. Your resurrection gives me the hope of being raised from the dead to
rejoice with You forever in heaven. I need to dwell more often on the good You
have done for us and on Your promises to those who put their trust in You.
Thank You, Jesus, for taking up Your life again and leading the way home to
heaven. I love You, and I want to follow after You with all my heart. I want
to cooperate more fully with You in bringing many others there with me.
Petition: Lord Jesus, walk by my side. Open up my
person to the meaning of Scripture and the events of life. Make my heart burn
within me with Your words .
1. Two Downcast
Faces: These two disciples
had been badly shaken by the events of the last few days. They had
courageously left home and family to follow the Lord. They had listened to
his words, witnessed his miracles, and even generously gone out and preached
in his name. They had expected Jesus to be the longed-for Messiah. And it was
precisely at the moment Jesus referred to as “his hour”, when he was
accomplishing his greatest work, that these disciples broke with Jesus. What
when wrong? God worked in a way and with a power these disciples had not
expected, and which they did not accept. The cross and suffering had not
entered into their plans. A gloriously triumphant path, they could accept;
but not a crucified Lord. As long as there were miracles, encouraging crowds
and the high of emotion, following Christ was their thing. But when the Cross
cast its shadow, they threw in the towel. And so, they are on their way back
home, back to their old lifestyle, hopes shattered and faces downcast. Their
conversation was a self-pitying reconstruction of events, without faith,
without a sense of God, sunken in their own sorrow.
2. Unexpected
Questions from an Unexpected Guest: The two disciples are so centered on their own woes and wounds
that they do not recognize who walks alongside them. Feeling sorry for
ourselves does not help us go to God, but only immerses us further in our own
impotence. What breaks through this situation? An unexpected question that
destroys the incorrect assumptions of these two malcontents and invites them
to look more deeply at their own situation. Reflection on the obvious, on the
real events of our life (and not our own broken, limited plans and hopes) is
what begins to open the door to a reborn hope. What are you talking about?
Why? Did you fail to grasp something?
3. The Breaking of
the Bread: Christ is the
shepherd that seeks out these two stray sheep. As always, he masterfully and
gently enlightens their conscience and leads them to the truth. Listening to
Christ prepares these two disciples to recognize him when he takes, breaks,
blesses and gives them “bread” – the same actions of the Last Supper. After
recognizing Our Lord in the “breaking of the bread”, their entire
dispositions change. Even their way of assessing events and situations
changes. They had stopped for the evening, but after experiencing the Lord,
they race out in the middle of the night to share their experience with the
others.
Conversation with
Christ: Lord Jesus, teach me
detachment from self, and acceptance of Your glorious plan. Walk always by my
side, and help me realize, that as long as I am in conversation with You,
even without my realizing it, there is always hope and salvation.
Resolution: I will let God break my own limited plans
and expectations. I will talk to Christ about what goals he wants me to set
for my life, impossible though they may seem.
Excerpts from the DIARY of Saint
Faustina Kowalska
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Darkness
and Temptations
77 My mind became dimmed in a strange way; no truth seemed clear to me. When people spoke to me about God, my heart was like a rock. I could not draw from it a single sentiment of love for Him. When I tried, by an act of the will, to remain close to Him, I experienced great torments, and it seemed to me that I was only provoking God to an even greater anger. It was absolutely impossible for me to meditate as I had been accustomed to do in the past. I felt in my soul a great void, and there was nothing with which I could fill it. I began to suffer from a great hunger and yearning for God, but I saw my utter powerlessness. I tried to read slowly, sentence by sentence, and to meditate in this way, but this also was of no avail. I understood nothing of what I had read.
The abyss of my misery was constantly before my eyes. Every time I entered the chapel for some spiritual exercise, I experienced even worse torments and temptations. More than once, all through Holy Mass, I had to struggle against blasphemous thoughts which were forcing themselves to my lips. I felt an aversion for the Holy Sacraments, and it seemed to me that I was not profiting from them in any way. It was only out of obedience to my confessor that I frequented them, and this blind obedience was for me the only path I could follow and my very last hope of survival. The priest explained to me that these were trials sent by God and that, in the situation I was in, not only was I not offending God, but I was most pleasing to Him. "This is a sign," he told me, "that God loves you very much and that He has great confidence in you, since He is sending you such trials." But these words brought me no comfort; it seemed to me that they did not apply to me at all.
One thing did surprise me: it often happened that, at the time when I was suffering greatly, these terrible torments would disappear suddenly just as I was approaching the confessional; but as soon as I had left the confessional, all these torments would again seize me with even greater ferocity. I would then fall on my face before the Blessed Sacrament repeating these words: "Even if You kill me, still will I trust in You!" [cf. Job 13:15] It seemed to me that I would die in these agonies. But the most terrible thought for me was the conviction that I had been rejected by God. Then other thoughts came to me: why strive to acquire virtues and do good works? why mortify and annihilate yourself? what good is it to take vows? to pray? to sacrifice and immolate yourself? why sacrifice myself all the time? what good is it - if I am already rejected by God? why all these efforts? And here, God alone knew what was going on in my heart.
77 My mind became dimmed in a strange way; no truth seemed clear to me. When people spoke to me about God, my heart was like a rock. I could not draw from it a single sentiment of love for Him. When I tried, by an act of the will, to remain close to Him, I experienced great torments, and it seemed to me that I was only provoking God to an even greater anger. It was absolutely impossible for me to meditate as I had been accustomed to do in the past. I felt in my soul a great void, and there was nothing with which I could fill it. I began to suffer from a great hunger and yearning for God, but I saw my utter powerlessness. I tried to read slowly, sentence by sentence, and to meditate in this way, but this also was of no avail. I understood nothing of what I had read.
The abyss of my misery was constantly before my eyes. Every time I entered the chapel for some spiritual exercise, I experienced even worse torments and temptations. More than once, all through Holy Mass, I had to struggle against blasphemous thoughts which were forcing themselves to my lips. I felt an aversion for the Holy Sacraments, and it seemed to me that I was not profiting from them in any way. It was only out of obedience to my confessor that I frequented them, and this blind obedience was for me the only path I could follow and my very last hope of survival. The priest explained to me that these were trials sent by God and that, in the situation I was in, not only was I not offending God, but I was most pleasing to Him. "This is a sign," he told me, "that God loves you very much and that He has great confidence in you, since He is sending you such trials." But these words brought me no comfort; it seemed to me that they did not apply to me at all.
One thing did surprise me: it often happened that, at the time when I was suffering greatly, these terrible torments would disappear suddenly just as I was approaching the confessional; but as soon as I had left the confessional, all these torments would again seize me with even greater ferocity. I would then fall on my face before the Blessed Sacrament repeating these words: "Even if You kill me, still will I trust in You!" [cf. Job 13:15] It seemed to me that I would die in these agonies. But the most terrible thought for me was the conviction that I had been rejected by God. Then other thoughts came to me: why strive to acquire virtues and do good works? why mortify and annihilate yourself? what good is it to take vows? to pray? to sacrifice and immolate yourself? why sacrifice myself all the time? what good is it - if I am already rejected by God? why all these efforts? And here, God alone knew what was going on in my heart.
93 The Virtue of Poverty
This is an evangelical virtue which impels
the heart to detach itself from temporal things; the religious, in virtue of
his profession, is strictly obliged to it.
96 +Trials sent by God to a soul which is particularly loved
by Him.
Temptations and darkness; Satan. The soul's love [for God] is still not such as God would have it. The soul suddenly loses the tangible perception of God's presence. Various defects and imperfections rise up within it, and it must fight them furiously. All her faults lift up their heads, but the soul's vigilance is great. The former awareness of the presence of God gives place to coldness and spiritual dryness; the soul has no taste for spiritual exercises; it cannot pray, either in the old way, or in the manner in which it had just begun to pray. It struggles this way and that, but can find no satisfaction. God has hidden himself from it, and it can find no consolation in creatures, nor can any of these creatures find a way of consoling it. The soul craves passionately for God, but sees its own misery; it begins to sense God's justice; it seems to it that it has lost all the gifts that God had given it; its mind is dimmed, and darkness fills it; unspeakable torment begins. The soul tries to explain its state to the confessor, but it is not understood and is assailed by an even greater unrest. Satan begins his work.
Temptations and darkness; Satan. The soul's love [for God] is still not such as God would have it. The soul suddenly loses the tangible perception of God's presence. Various defects and imperfections rise up within it, and it must fight them furiously. All her faults lift up their heads, but the soul's vigilance is great. The former awareness of the presence of God gives place to coldness and spiritual dryness; the soul has no taste for spiritual exercises; it cannot pray, either in the old way, or in the manner in which it had just begun to pray. It struggles this way and that, but can find no satisfaction. God has hidden himself from it, and it can find no consolation in creatures, nor can any of these creatures find a way of consoling it. The soul craves passionately for God, but sees its own misery; it begins to sense God's justice; it seems to it that it has lost all the gifts that God had given it; its mind is dimmed, and darkness fills it; unspeakable torment begins. The soul tries to explain its state to the confessor, but it is not understood and is assailed by an even greater unrest. Satan begins his work.
97 Faith staggers
under the impact; the struggle is fierce. The soul tries hard to cling to God
by an act of will. With God's permission, Satan goes even further: hope and
love are put to the test. These temptations are terrible. God supports the soul
in secret, so to speak. The soul is not aware of this, but otherwise it would
be impossible to stand firm; and God knows very well how much He can allow to
befall a soul. The soul is tempted to unbelief in respect to revealed truths
and to insincerity toward the confessor. Satan says to it, "Look, no one
understands you; why speak about all this?" Words that terrify it sound in
its ears, and it seems to the soul that it is uttering these against God. It
sees what it does not want to see. It hears what it does not want to hear. And,
oh, it is a terrible thing at times like these not to have an experienced
confessor! The soul carries the whole burden alone. However, one should make
every effort to find, if it is at all possible, a well-informed confessor, for
the soul can collapse under the burden and come to the very edge of the
precipice. All these trials are heavy and difficult. God does not send them to
a soul which has not already been admitted to a deeper intimacy with Him and
which has not yet tasted the divine delights. Besides, in this God has His own
plans, which for us are impenetrable. God often prepares a soul in this way for
His future designs and great works. He wants to try it as pure gold is tried.
But this is not yet the end of the testing; there is still the trial of trials,
the complete abandonment of the soul by God.
+ The Trial of
Trials, Complete Abandonment - Despair
98 When the soul comes out victorious from the preceding trials, even though it may stumble here and there, it fights on valiantly, humbly calling upon God, "Save me, I am perishing!" And it is still able to fight on.
At this point, however, the soul is engulfed in a horrible night. It sees within itself only sin. It feels terrible. It sees itself completely abandoned by God. It feels itself to be the object of His hatred. It is but one step away from despair. The soul does its best to defend itself; it tries to stir up its confidence; but prayer is an even greater torment for it, as this prayer seems to arouse God to an even greater anger. The soul finds itself poised on the summit of a lofty mountain on the very brink of a precipice.
The soul is drawn to God, but feels repulsed. All other sufferings and tortures in the world are as nothing compared with this sensation into which it has been plunged; namely, that of being rejected by God. No one can bring it any relief; it finds itself completely alone; there is no one to defend it. It raises its eyes to heaven, but is convinced that this is not for her-for her all is lost. It falls deeper and deeper from darkness to darkness, and it seems to it that it has lost forever the God it used to love so dearly. This thought is torture beyond all description. But the soul does not agree to it and tries to lift its gaze toward heaven, but in vain! And this makes the torture even more intense.
If God wishes to keep the soul in such darkness, no one will be able to give it light. It experiences rejection by God in a vivid and terrifying manner. From its heart burst forth painful moans, so painful that no priest will comprehend it, unless he himself has been through these trials. In the midst of this, the evil spirit adds to the soul's suffering, mocking it: "Will you persist in your faithfulness? This is your reward; you are in our power!" But Satan has only as much influence over the soul as God allows him, and God knows how much we can bear. "What have you gotten out of your mortifications," says Satan, "and out of your fidelity to the rule? What use are all these efforts? You have been rejected by God!" This word, rejected, becomes a fire which penetrates every nerve to the marrow of the bone. It pierces right through her entire being. The ordeal reaches its climax. The soul no longer looks for help anywhere. It shrinks into itself and loses sight of everything; it is as though it has accepted the torture of being abandoned. This is a moment for which I have no words. This is the agony of the soul.
98 When the soul comes out victorious from the preceding trials, even though it may stumble here and there, it fights on valiantly, humbly calling upon God, "Save me, I am perishing!" And it is still able to fight on.
At this point, however, the soul is engulfed in a horrible night. It sees within itself only sin. It feels terrible. It sees itself completely abandoned by God. It feels itself to be the object of His hatred. It is but one step away from despair. The soul does its best to defend itself; it tries to stir up its confidence; but prayer is an even greater torment for it, as this prayer seems to arouse God to an even greater anger. The soul finds itself poised on the summit of a lofty mountain on the very brink of a precipice.
The soul is drawn to God, but feels repulsed. All other sufferings and tortures in the world are as nothing compared with this sensation into which it has been plunged; namely, that of being rejected by God. No one can bring it any relief; it finds itself completely alone; there is no one to defend it. It raises its eyes to heaven, but is convinced that this is not for her-for her all is lost. It falls deeper and deeper from darkness to darkness, and it seems to it that it has lost forever the God it used to love so dearly. This thought is torture beyond all description. But the soul does not agree to it and tries to lift its gaze toward heaven, but in vain! And this makes the torture even more intense.
If God wishes to keep the soul in such darkness, no one will be able to give it light. It experiences rejection by God in a vivid and terrifying manner. From its heart burst forth painful moans, so painful that no priest will comprehend it, unless he himself has been through these trials. In the midst of this, the evil spirit adds to the soul's suffering, mocking it: "Will you persist in your faithfulness? This is your reward; you are in our power!" But Satan has only as much influence over the soul as God allows him, and God knows how much we can bear. "What have you gotten out of your mortifications," says Satan, "and out of your fidelity to the rule? What use are all these efforts? You have been rejected by God!" This word, rejected, becomes a fire which penetrates every nerve to the marrow of the bone. It pierces right through her entire being. The ordeal reaches its climax. The soul no longer looks for help anywhere. It shrinks into itself and loses sight of everything; it is as though it has accepted the torture of being abandoned. This is a moment for which I have no words. This is the agony of the soul.
101 Jesus, You alone
know how the soul, engulfed in darkness, moans in the midst of these torments
and, despite all this, thirsts for God as burning lips thirst for water. It
dies and withers; it dies a death without death; that is to say, it cannot die.
All its efforts come to nothing; it is under a powerful hand. Now the soul
comes under the power of the Just One. All exterior temptations cease; all that
surrounds it becomes silent, like a dying person who loses contact with
everything around it: the person's entire soul is in the hand of the Just God,
the Thrice-Holy God,-rejected for all eternity! This is the culminating moment,
and God alone can test a soul in this way, because He alone knows what the soul
can endure.
When the soul has been saturated through and through by this infernal fire, it is, as it were, cast headlong into great despair. My soul experienced this moment when I was all alone in my cell. When my soul began to sink into this despair, I felt that the end was near. But I seized my little crucifix and clutched it tightly in my hand. And now I felt my body separate itself from my soul; and though I wanted to go to my Superiors, I no longer had the physical strength. I uttered my last words: "I trust in Your Mercy!"-and it seemed to me that I provoked God to an even greater anger. And now I was drowned in despair, and all that was left me was a moan of unadulterated pain which, from time to time, tore itself from my soul. The soul is in agony-and it seemed to me that I would remain in this state, because by my own strength I could not emerge from it. Every recollection of God opened up an unspeakable ocean of suffering, and yet despite this there is something within the soul which is drawn to Him, though it seems to her for this only-that she suffer more. The memory of the love with which God formerly surrounded it is still another kind of suffering. His gaze pierces it, and everything within the soul is burned by this gaze.
When the soul has been saturated through and through by this infernal fire, it is, as it were, cast headlong into great despair. My soul experienced this moment when I was all alone in my cell. When my soul began to sink into this despair, I felt that the end was near. But I seized my little crucifix and clutched it tightly in my hand. And now I felt my body separate itself from my soul; and though I wanted to go to my Superiors, I no longer had the physical strength. I uttered my last words: "I trust in Your Mercy!"-and it seemed to me that I provoked God to an even greater anger. And now I was drowned in despair, and all that was left me was a moan of unadulterated pain which, from time to time, tore itself from my soul. The soul is in agony-and it seemed to me that I would remain in this state, because by my own strength I could not emerge from it. Every recollection of God opened up an unspeakable ocean of suffering, and yet despite this there is something within the soul which is drawn to Him, though it seems to her for this only-that she suffer more. The memory of the love with which God formerly surrounded it is still another kind of suffering. His gaze pierces it, and everything within the soul is burned by this gaze.
116 My Jesus, You know what my soul goes
through at the recollection of these sufferings. I have often marvelled that
the angels and saints hold their peace at the sight of a soul suffering like
that. Yet they have special love for us at such moments. My soul has often
cried out after God, as a little child who cries as loudly as he can when his
mother covers her face and he cannot recognize her. O my Jesus, honor and glory
to You for these trials of love! Great and incomprehensible is your mercy. All
that You intended for my soul, O Lord, is steeped in Your mercy.
118 The tongue is a small member, but it does
big things. A religious who does not keep silence will never attain holiness;
that is, she will never become a saint. Let her not delude herself-unless it is
the Spirit of God who is speaking through her, for then she must not keep
silent. But, in order to hear the voice of God, one has to have silence in
one's soul and to keep silence; not a gloomy silence, but an interior silence;
that is to say, recollection in God. One can speak a great deal without
breaking silence and, on the contrary, one can speak little and be constantly
breaking silence. Oh, what irreparable damage is done by the breach of silence!
We cause a lot of harm to our neighbor, but even more to our own selves.
In my opinion, and according to my
experience, the rule concerning silence should stand in the very first place.
God does not give himself to a chattering soul which, like a drone in a
beehive, buzzes around but gathers no honey. A talkative soul is empty inside.
It lacks both the essential virtues and intimacy with God. A deeper interior
life, one of gentle peace and of that silence where the Lord dwells, is quite
out of the question. A soul that has never tasted the sweetness of inner
silence is a restless spirit which disturbs the silence of others. I have seen
many souls in the depths of hell for not having kept their silence; they told
me so themselves when I asked them what was the cause of their undoing. These
were souls of religious. My God, what an agony it is to think that not only
might they have been in heaven, but they might even have become saints! O
Jesus, have mercy!
147 I recall that
I have received most light during adoration which I made lying prostrate before
the Blessed Sacrament for half an hour every day throughout Lent. During that
time I came to know myself and God more profoundly. And yet, even though I had
the superiors' permission to do so, I encountered many obstacles to praying in
such a way. Let the soul be aware that, in order to pray and persevere in
prayer, one must arm oneself with patience and cope bravely with exterior and
interior difficulties. The interior difficulties are discouragement, dryness,
heaviness of spirit and temptations. The exterior difficulties are human
respect and time; one must observe the time set apart for prayer. This has been
my personal experience because, when I did not pray at the time assigned for
prayer, later on I could not do it because of my duties; or if I did manage to
do so, this was only with great difficulty, because my thoughts kept wandering
off to my duties. I also experienced this difficulty: when a soul has prayed
well and left prayer in a state of profound interior recollection, others
resist its recollection; and so, the soul must be patient to persevere in
prayer. It often happened to me that when my soul was more deeply immersed in
God, and I had derived greater fruit from prayer, and God's presence
accompanied me during the day, and at work there was more recollection and
greater precision and effort at my duty, this was precisely when I received the
most rebukes for being negligent in my duty and indifferent to everything;
because less recollected souls want others to be like them, for they are a
constant [source of] remorse to them.
151 +Once, when I was in the kitchen with Sister N.,[47] she got a little upset with me and, as a
punishment, ordered me to sit on the table while she herself continued to work
hard, cleaning and scrubbing. And while I was sitting there, the sisters came
along and were astounded to find me sitting on the table, and each one had her
say. One said that I was a loafer and another, "What an eccentric!" I
was a postulant at the time. Others said, "What kind of a sister will she
make?" Still, I could not get down because sister had ordered me to sit
there by virtue of obedience[48] until she told me to get down. Truly, God
alone knows how many acts of self-denial it took. I thought I'd die of shame.
God often allowed such things for the sake of my inner formation, but He
compensated me for this humiliation by a great consolation. During Benediction
I saw Him in great beauty. Jesus looked at me kindly and said, My daughter,
do not be afraid of sufferings; I am with you.
163 JMJ The Year 1937
General Exercises
+O Most Holy Trinity! As many times as I
breathe, as many times as my heart beats, as many times as my blood pulsates
through my body, so many thousand times do I want to glorify Your mercy.
+I want to be completely transformed into
Your mercy and to be Your living reflection, O Lord. May the greatest of all
divine attributes, that of Your unfathomable mercy, pass through my heart and
soul to my neighbor.
Help me, O Lord, that my eyes may be
merciful, so that I may never suspect or judge from appearances, but look for
what is beautiful in my neighbors' souls and come to their rescue.
Help me, that my ears may be merciful, so
that I may give heed to my neighbors' needs and not be indifferent to their
pains and moaning. Help me, O Lord, that my tongue may be merciful, so that I
should never speak negatively of my neighbor, but have a word of comfort and
forgiveness for all.
Help me, O Lord, that my hands may be
merciful and filled with good deeds, so that I may do only good to my neighbors
and take upon myself the more difficult and toilsome tasks.
Help me, that my feet may be merciful, so
that I may hurry to assist my neighbor, overcoming my own fatigue and
weariness. My true rest is in the service of my neighbor.
Help me, O Lord, that my heart may be
merciful so that I myself may feel all the sufferings of my neighbor. I will
refuse my heart to no one. I will be sincere even with those who, I know, will
abuse my kindness. And I will lock myself up in the most merciful Heart of
Jesus. I will bear my own suffering in silence. May Your mercy, O Lord, rest
upon me.
+You yourself command me to exercise the
three degrees of mercy. The first: the act of mercy, of whatever kind. The
second: the word of mercy-if I cannot carry out a work of mercy, I will assist
by my words. The third: prayer-if I cannot show mercy by deeds or words, I can
always do so by prayer. My prayer reaches out even there where I cannot reach
out physically.
O my Jesus, transform me into Yourself, for
you can do all things.
173 Satan's temptations during
meditation. I felt a strange fear that the priest would not
understand me, or that he would have
no time to hear everything I would have to say. How am I going to tell him all
this? If it were Father Bukowski I could do it more easily, but this Jesuit
whom I am seeing for the first time... Then I remembered Father Bukowski's
advice that I should at least take brief notes of the lights sent to me by God
during the retreats and give him at least a brief report on them. My God, for a
day and a half all has gone well, and now a life and death struggle is
beginning. The conference is to start in a half hour, and then I am to go to
confession. Satan tried to persuade me into believing that if my superiors have
told me that my inner life is an illusion, why should I ask again and trouble
the confessor? Didn't MX [probably Mother Jane] tell you that the Lord Jesus
does not commune with souls as miserable as yours? This confessor is going to
tell you the same thing. Why speak to him about all this? These are not sins,
and Mother X, told you that all this communing with the Lord Jesus was
daydreaming and pure hysteria. So why tell it to this confessor? You would do better
to dismiss all this as illusions. Look how many humiliations you have suffered
because of them, and how many more are still awaiting you, and all the sisters
know that you are a hysteric. "Jesus!" I called out with all the
strength of my soul.
216 We have come to Cracow today [April 18,
1933]. What a joy it is to find myself again where I took my first steps in the
spiritual life! Dear Mother Directress [Mary Joseph] is ever the same, cheerful
and full of love of neighbor. I entered the chapel for a moment and joy filled
my soul. In a flash I recalled the whole ocean of graces that had been given me
as a novice here.
236 Oh, how misleading are appearances, and how unjust the
judgments. Oh, how often virtue suffers only because it remains silent. To be
sincere with those who are incessantly stinging us demands much self-denial.
One bleeds, but there are no visible wounds. O Jesus, it is only on the last
day that many of these things will be made known. What joy-none of our efforts
will be lost!
241 Love of neighbor. First: Helpfulness
towards the sisters. Second: Do not speak about those who are absent, and
defend the good name of my neighbor. Third: Rejoice in the success of others.
279 God made known to me what true love
consists in and gave light to me about how, in practice, to give proof of it to
Him. True love of God consists in carrying out God's will. To show God our love
in what we do, all our actions, even the least, must spring from our love of
God. And the Lord said to me, My child, you please Me most by suffering. In
your physical as well as your mental sufferings, My daughter, do not seek
sympathy from creatures. I want the fragrance of your suffering to be pure and
unadulterated. I want you to detach yourself, not only from creatures, but also
from yourself. My daughter, I want to delight in the love of your heart, a pure
love, virginal, unblemished, untarnished. The more you will come to love
suffering, My daughter, the purer your love for Me will be.
294 +Once the Lord said to me, Act like a
beggar who does not back away when he gets more alms [than he asked for], but
offers thanks the more fervently. You too should not back away and say that you
are not worthy of receiving greater graces when I give them to you. I know you
are unworthy, but rejoice all the more and take as many treasures from My Heart
as you can carry, for then you will please Me more. And I will tell you one
more thing: Take these graces not only for yourself, but also for others; that
is, encourage the souls with whom you come in contact to trust in My infinite
mercy. Oh, how I love those souls who have complete confidence in Me. I will do
everything for them.
296 +O Supreme Good, I want to love You as no
one on earth has ever loved You before! I want to adore You with every moment
of my life and unite my will closely to Your holy will. My life is not drab or
monotonous, but it is varied like a garden of fragrant flowers, so that I don't
know which flower to pick first, the lily of suffering or the rose of love of
neighbor or the violet of humility. I will not enumerate these treasures in
which my every day abounds. It is a great thing to know how to make use of the
present moment.
343 True love is measured by the
thermometer of suffering. Jesus, I thank You for the little daily crosses, for
opposition to my endeavors, for the hardships of communal life, for the
misinterpretation of my intentions, for humiliations at the hands of others,
for the harsh way in which we are treated, for false suspicions, for poor health
and loss of strength, for self-denial, for dying to myself, for lack of
recognition in everything, for the upsetting of all my plans.
Thank You, Jesus, for interior sufferings, for dryness of spirit, for terrors, fears and incertitudes, for the darkness and the deep interior night, for temptations and various ordeals, for torments too difficult to describe, especially for those which no one will understand, for the hour of death with its fierce struggle and all its bitterness.
I thank You, Jesus, You who first drank the cup of bitterness before You gave it to me, in a much milder form. I put my lips to this cup of Your holy will. Let all be done according to Your good pleasure; let that which Your wisdom ordained before the ages be done to me. I want to drink the cup to its last drop, and not seek to know the reason why. In bitterness is my joy, in hopelessness is my trust. In You, O Lord, all is good, all is a gift of Your paternal Heart. I do not prefer consolations over bitterness or bitterness over consolations, but thank You, O Jesus, for everything! It is my delight to fix my gaze upon You, O incomprehensible God! My spirit abides in these mysterious dwelling places, and there I am at home. I know very well the dwelling place of my Spouse. I feel there is not a single drop of blood in me that does not burn with love for You.
O Uncreated Beauty, whoever comes to know You once cannot love anything else. I can feel the bottomless abyss of my soul, and nothing will fill it but God himself. I feel that I am drowned in Him like a single grain of sand in a bottomless ocean.
Thank You, Jesus, for interior sufferings, for dryness of spirit, for terrors, fears and incertitudes, for the darkness and the deep interior night, for temptations and various ordeals, for torments too difficult to describe, especially for those which no one will understand, for the hour of death with its fierce struggle and all its bitterness.
I thank You, Jesus, You who first drank the cup of bitterness before You gave it to me, in a much milder form. I put my lips to this cup of Your holy will. Let all be done according to Your good pleasure; let that which Your wisdom ordained before the ages be done to me. I want to drink the cup to its last drop, and not seek to know the reason why. In bitterness is my joy, in hopelessness is my trust. In You, O Lord, all is good, all is a gift of Your paternal Heart. I do not prefer consolations over bitterness or bitterness over consolations, but thank You, O Jesus, for everything! It is my delight to fix my gaze upon You, O incomprehensible God! My spirit abides in these mysterious dwelling places, and there I am at home. I know very well the dwelling place of my Spouse. I feel there is not a single drop of blood in me that does not burn with love for You.
O Uncreated Beauty, whoever comes to know You once cannot love anything else. I can feel the bottomless abyss of my soul, and nothing will fill it but God himself. I feel that I am drowned in Him like a single grain of sand in a bottomless ocean.
375 Particular interior practice; that is,
the examination of conscience. Self-denial, denial of my own will.
I. The denial of my reason. Subjecting it to
the reason of those who represent God to me here on earth.
II. The denial of my will. Doing the will of
God, which is revealed in the will of those who represent God to me and which
is contained in the rule of our order.
III. The denial of my judgment. Accepting
immediately and without reflection, analysis or reasoning all orders given by
those who represent God to me.
IV. The denial of my tongue. I will not give
it the least bit of freedom; but in one case only I will give it complete
freedom; that is, in proclaiming the glory of God. Whenever I receive Holy
Communion, I will ask Jesus to fortify and cleanse my tongue that I may not
injure my neighbor with it. That is why I have the greatest respect for the
rule which speaks about silence.
383 At the beginning of the retreat, I saw,
on the ceiling of the chapel, Jesus nailed to the Cross. He was looking at the
sisters with great love, but not at all of them. There were three sisters at
whom Jesus looked severely, for what reasons I do not know. I only know what a
terrible thing it is to meet with such a look, which is the look of a severe
Judge. That look was not directed at me, and yet I was paralyzed with terror. I
still tremble as I write these words. I did not dare to say so much as a single
word to Jesus. My physical strength failed me, and I thought I would not live
to the end of the conference. The next day, I saw the same thing again, just as
I had seen it the first time, and this time I dared to speak these words:
"Jesus, how great is Your mercy!"
On the third day, that gaze of great kindness
upon all the sisters, except the three, was again repeated. I gathered up my
courage, which drew its force from love of neighbor, and I said to the Lord,
"You, who are Mercy Itself, as You yourself told me, I beg You by the power
of Your mercy, to look then with kindness at these three sisters as well. And
if this is not in accord with Your wisdom, I ask You for an exchange: turn to
them the kind look meant for my soul, and let Your severe gaze at their souls
be turned on me." Jesus then said to me these words: My daughter, for the
sake of your sincere and generous love, I grant them many graces although they
are not asking Me for them. But I am doing so because of the promise I have
made to you. And at that moment, He turned a merciful look towards those three
sisters as well. My heart leapt with joy to see the goodness of God.
392 The Lord God grants His graces
in two ways: by inspiration and by enlightenment. If we ask God for a grace, He
will give it to us; but let us be willing to accept it. And in order to accept
it, self-denial is needed. Love does not consist in words or feelings, but in
deeds. It is an act of the will; it is a gift; that is to say, a giving. The
reason, the will, the heart-these three faculties must be exercised during
prayer. I will rise from the dead in Jesus, but first I must live in Him. If I
do not separate myself from the Cross, then the Gospel will be revealed in me.
Jesus in me makes up for all my deficiencies. His grace operates without
ceasing. The Holy Trinity grants me Its life abundantly, by the gift of the
Holy Spirit. The Three Divine Persons live in me. When God loves, He loves with
all His Being, with all the power of His Being. If God has loved me in this
way, how should I respond I, His spouse?
462 Now I understand well that what
unites our soul most closely to God is self-denial; that is, joining our will
to the will of God. This is what makes the soul truly free, contributes to
profound recollection of the spirit, and makes all life's burdens light, and
death sweet.
538 There will be no distinction between the sisters, no
mothers,[107] no reverends, no
venerable, but all will be equal, even though there might be great differences
in their parentage. We know who Jesus was, and yet how He humbled himself and
with whom He associated. Their habit will be like that worn by Jesus during His
Passion, and they will not simply wear the robe [He wore]; they must also seal
themselves with the marks He bore: suffering and scorn. Each one will strive
for the greatest self-denial and have a love of humility, and she who will
distinguish herself most in this latter virtue will be the one who is capable
of leading the others.
549 Work. As poor persons, the nuns
themselves will do all the work in the convent. Each one should be glad when
she is given some work which is humbling or which goes against her nature, as
that will greatly help her interior formation. The superior will often change
the sisters' duties, and in this way help them to detach themselves completely
from the little details to which women have a great attachment. Truly, I often
find it amusing to see with my own eyes souls who have forsaken really great
things only to attach themselves to fiddle faddle; that is, trifles. Each
sister, including even the superior, shall work in the kitchen for a month.
Every one should take a turn at every chore which is to be done in the convent.
571 O
my Jesus, Eternal Truth, I fear nothing, neither hardships nor sufferings; I
fear only one thing, and that is to offend You. My Jesus, I would rather not
exist than make You sad. Jesus, You know that my love knows no one but You. My
soul is absorbed in You.
590 When I receive Holy Communion, I entreat
and beg the Savior to heal my tongue, that I may never fail in love of
neighbor.
692 + O Jesus, I understand that Your mercy
is beyond all imagining, and therefore I ask You to make my heart so big that
there will be room in it for the needs of all the souls living on the face of
the earth. O Jesus, my love extends beyond the world, to the souls suffering in
purgatory, and I want to exercise mercy toward them by means of indulgenced
prayers. God's mercy is unfathomable and inexhaustible, just as God himself is
unfathomable. Even if I were to use the strongest words there are to express
this mercy of God, all this would be nothing in comparison with what it is in
reality. O Jesus, make my heart sensitive to all the sufferings of my neighbor,
whether of body or of soul. O my Jesus, I know that You act toward us as we act
toward our neighbor.
My Jesus, make my heart like unto Your
merciful Heart. Jesus, help me to go through life doing good to everyone.
700 + Once, when I was very tired and in much
pain, I told Mother Superior [Irene] about it and received the answer that I
should get used to suffering. I listened to everything that Mother told me, and
then I went out. Our Mother Superior has great love of neighbor and especially
great love for the sick sisters, as everyone knows. And yet, as regards me, it
is extraordinary that the Lord Jesus has permitted that she not understand me
and that she test me much in this respect.
704 I spend every free moment at the feet of
the hidden God. He is my Master; I ask Him about everything; I speak to Him
about everything. Here I obtain strength and light; here I learn everything;
here I am given light on how to act toward my neighbor. From the time I left
the novitiate, I have enclosed myself in the tabernacle together with Jesus, my
Master. He himself drew me into the fire of living love on which everything
converges.
742 My daughter, if I demand through you that
people revere My mercy, you should be the first to distinguish yourself by this
confidence in My mercy. I demand from you deeds of mercy, which are to arise
out of love for Me. You are to show mercy to your neighbors always and
everywhere. You must not shrink from this or try to excuse or absolve yourself
from it.
I am giving you three ways of exercising
mercy toward your neighbor: the first-by deed, the second-by word, the third-by
prayer. In these three degrees is contained the fullness of mercy, and it is an
unquestionable proof of love for Me. By this means a soul glorifies and pays
reverence to My mercy. Yes, the first Sunday after Easter is the Feast of
Mercy, but there must also be acts of mercy, and I demand the worship of My
mercy through the solemn celebration of the Feast and through the veneration of
the image which is painted. By means of this image I shall grant many graces to
souls. It is to be a reminder of the demands of My mercy, because even the
strongest faith is of no avail without works. O my Jesus, You yourself must
help me in everything, because You see how very little I am, and so I depend
solely on Your goodness, O God.
+ Particular Examen
Union with the merciful Christ. With my heart
I encompass the whole world, especially countries which are uncivilized or
where there is persecution. I am praying for mercy upon them.
791 Hide me, Jesus, in the depths of Your
mercy, and then let my neighbor judge me as he pleases.
856 During the morning meditation, I felt an
aversion and a repugnance for all created things. Everything pales before my
eyes; my spirit is detached from all things. I desire only God himself, and yet
I must live. This is a martyrdom beyond description. God imparts himself to the
soul in a loving way and draws it into the infinite depths of His divinity, but
at the same time He leaves it here on earth for the sole purpose that it might
suffer and die of longing for Him. And this strong love is so pure that God
himself finds pleasure in it; and self-love has no access to its deeds, for
here everything is totally saturated with bitterness, and thus is totally pure.
Life is a continuous dying, painful and terrible, and at the same time it is
the depth of true life and of inconceivable happiness and the strength of the
soul; and because of this, [the soul] is capable of great deeds for the sake of
God.
861 Particular examen: remains the same;
namely, to unite myself with the Merciful Christ (that is; what would Christ do
in such and such a case?) and, in spirit, to embrace the whole world,
especially Russia and Spain.
General resolutions.
I. Strict observance of silence - interior
silence.
II. To see the image of God in every sister;
all love of neighbor must flow from this motive.
III. To do the will of God faithfully at
every moment of my life and to live by this.
IV. To give a faithful account of everything
to the spiritual director and not to undertake anything of importance without a
clear understanding with him. I shall try to clearly lay bare to him the most
secret depths of my soul, bearing in mind that I am dealing with God himself,
and that His representative is just a human being, and so I must pray daily
that he be given light.
V. During the evening examination of
conscience, I am to ask myself the question: What if He were to call me today?
VI. Not to look for God far away, but within
my own being to abide with Him alone.
VII. In sufferings and torments, to take
refuge in the tabernacle and to be silent.
VIII. To join all sufferings, prayers, works
and mortifications to the merits of Jesus in order to obtain mercy for the
world.
IX. To use free moments, however short, for
prayers for the dying.
X. There must not be a day in my life when I
do not recommend to the Lord the works of our Congregation. Never have regard
for what others think of you [for human respect].
XI. Have no familiar relationships with
anyone. Gentle firmness toward the girls, boundless patience; punish them
severely but with such punishments as these: prayer and self-sacrifice. The
strength that is in the emptying of myself for their sake is for them a [source
of] constant remorse and the softening of their obdurate hearts.
XII. The presence of God is the basis of all
my thoughts, words and deeds.
XIII. To take advantage of all spiritual
help. To always put self-love in its proper place; namely, the last. To perform
my spiritual exercises as though I were doing them for the last time in my
life, and in like manner to carry out all my duties.
871 + My Master, cause my heart never to
expect help from anyone, but I will always strive to bring assistance,
consolation and all manner of relief to others. My heart is always open to the
sufferings of others; and I will not close my heart to the sufferings of
others, even though because of this I have been scornfully nicknamed
"dump"; that is, [because] everyone dumps his pain into my heart. [To
this] I answered that everyone has a place in my heart and I, in return, have a
place in the Heart of Jesus. Taunts regarding the law of love will not narrow
my heart. My soul is always sensitive on this point, and Jesus alone is the
motive for my love of neighbor.
944 + There are moments when I mistrust
myself, when I feel my own weakness and wretchedness in the most profound
depths of my own being, and I have noticed that I can endure such moments only
by trusting in the infinite mercy of God. Patience, prayer and silence-these
are what give strength to the soul. There are moments when one should be
silent, and when it would be inappropriate to talk with creatures; these are
the moments when one is dissatisfied with oneself, and when the soul feels as
weak as a little child. Then the soul clings to God with all its might. At such
times, I live solely by faith, and when I feel strengthened by God's grace,
then I am more courageous in speaking and communicating with my neighbors.
993 + I asked the Lord to have a certain
person come to visit me today so that I could see her one more time, and that
would be a sign for me that she was being called to the convent which Jesus is
having me establish. And, O wonder, the person in question came, and I tried to
form her a bit, spiritually. I began to show her the way of self-denial and
sacrifice, which she readily accepted. However, I have placed this whole matter
in the hands of the Lord, that He may direct everything according to His good
pleasure.
1039 + I suffer great pain at the sight of
the sufferings of others. All these sufferings are reflected in my heart. I
carry their torments in my heart so that it even wears me out physically. I
would like all pains to fall upon me so as to bring relief to my neighbor.
1409 + Today the Lord Jesus is giving me an awareness of
Himself and of His most tender love and care for me. He is bringing me to
understand deeply how everything depends on His will, and how He allows certain
difficulties precisely for our merit, so that our fidelity might be clearly
manifest. And through this, I have been given strength for suffering and
self-denial.
1662 + O Christ, suffering for You is the
delight of my heart and my soul. Prolong my sufferings to infinity, that I may
give You a proof of my love. I accept everything that Your hand will hold out
to me. Your love, Jesus, is enough for me. I will glorify You in abandonment
and darkness, in agony and fear, in pain and bitterness, in anguish of spirit
and grief of heart. In all things may You be blessed. My heart is so detached
from the earth, that You Yourself are enough for me. There is no longer any
moment in my life for self concern.
1663
Holy Thursday [April 14, 1938]. Today I felt strong enough to take part in the
ceremonies of the Church. During Holy Mass, Jesus stood before me and said,
Look into My Heart and see there the love and mercy which I have for humankind,
and especially for sinners. Look, and enter into My Passion. In an instant, I
experienced and lived through the whole Passion of Jesus in my own heart. I was
surprised that these tortures did not deprive me of my life.
1664 During adoration, Jesus said to me, My
daughter, know that your ardent love and the compassion you have for Me were a
consolation to Me in the Garden [of Olives].
1665 During Holy Hour in the evening, I heard
the words, You see My mercy for sinners, which at this moment is revealing
itself in all its power. See how little you have written about it; it is only a
single drop. Do what is in your power, so that sinners may come to know My
goodness.
(Diary of
Sister Faustina Kowalska Notebook-I-77, 93, 96-98, 101 116, 118, 147, 151)
(Diary of
Sister Faustina Kowalska Notebook-I-163, 173, 216, 236, 241, 279, 294, 296)
(Diary of
Sister Faustina Kowalska Notebook-I-343, 375, 383, 392, 462, 538)
(Diary of
Sister Faustina Kowalska Notebook-II-549, 571, 590, 692, 700, 704, 742)
(Diary of
Sister Faustina Kowalska Notebook-II-791, 856, 861, 871, 944, 993)
(Diary of
Sister Faustina Kowalska Notebook-III-1029, 1039)
(Diary of
Sister Faustina Kowalska Notebook-V-1409)
(Diary of
Sister Faustina Kowalska Notebook-VI-1662-1663)
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